A reversal of fortunes

After a long day of telephonic communication, you decide that it'd be nice to go for a hike on the Rainbow trail. You set out directly from the office, planning on hypnotizing a bear, and forcing it to catch a baby seal for you to roast and eat. This short walk takes you downtown, and as you walk past several jewelry shops, the following though occurs to you: "I'm really going to enjoy this baby seal." You see, in this episode, you're the villian!! As you realize this, all sorts of villainous thoughts enter your head, which are too evil to be written on paper. Or on a computer.
After solidifying your evil plan to take over the world by waging war on peace and happiness, you realize that you do not yet have an awesome name that will place the public in mortal fear upon utterance. This, of course, requires immediate and total attention, much like your brilliant niece Jane, so you devote even more brain power to the operation. Such a name is hard to come by, it needs to not only match your personality, but it needs to represent your mission and design. After a solid 2 minutes of study, a record for any evil villain, you decide on "Andrew." More frightening than Andy due to it's formality, and easy for you to remember. You smile a villainous smile and continue on your way. You had sat down on a bench to figure out the name, and because you were so absorbed in thought, hadn't seen that the bench had recently been painted. So recent, in fact, that the paint was still wet. "Brilliant" you mutter. You consider the color of the paint and the striped design it left on your clothes, and decide it will do as a design for your costume. While an evil villain, practical issues are still paramount because in your mild mannered life, you are still a newspaper reporter. There will be no spandex either, as that is very gross, and would cause your nipples to chafe anyway. That would stop any villain cold!

A grumble from your stomach interrupts your moment of satisfaction about the name and costume, and you set out again for the seals. In the distance, you hear an explosion and see a black van with a red stripe on the top go flying into the ocean. "That's odd" you think, remembering that you left that van rolling more than two days ago and it should have exploded a long time ago.

Ignoring the thought, you finally reach the trailhead and begin hiking. At the top of the mountain, you readily find a bear, hypnotize it, and sit on a log to wait for your baby seal. "This is the life" you think, relishing every moment. In any minute the bear will be back you can eat the seal, and continue on your way doing villainous things. The bear seems to be taking way too long, which makes you restless. All villains hate waiting, and it makes them restless. You stand on the log to try and see where your bear is. You spot it halfway down the mountain, tied a gagged, struggling to break free to bring you the seal it sees swimming and splashing and generally having a wonderful time, driving the bear mad. This sets off all sorts of evil villain alarms, causing you to jump off the log, and right into the booby trap set by colonel Maldefore. You see, he was telephonically reading your thoughts all the while, and since you decided to be the villain, he decided to reverse roles and be the hero.

As he ties you with heavy ropes and chains, you ask, "Okay Maldefore, how did you patch into my mind telephonically without me knowing it?" "Simple" he replies. "You had been so busy with your other telephonic communications all day that I raced into the last interview on the extra phone in the office, and didn't hang up. I've been listening all the time. Hahahaha!" And since I couldn't let you kill innocent baby seals, and realizing that I had little time to lose, and realizing that the van that had rolled into my bungalow near the KIC was your fault, and realizing that you would wonder what had taken it so long to explode, I set to the arduous task of setting the explosives and detonating it. It took way too long for the limited amount of time I had. AFter seeing you on the mountain, totally not worrying about the van, I deduced that it wasn't yours. What a waste of time that was. Anyway, I rushed up here, wrestled the hypnotized bear, with only the thought of a dead, headless baby seal to spur me on, finally triumphing. I rushed up the hill to set the booby trap, which was pretty easy because as I am normally a villain, I am well versed in booby trap techniques." "Geez" you think, "I didn't really want to know" "I heard that" he shouts. I guess he still hasnt hung up yet.

As the colonel drags you from a rope behind his scooter through town, Bob jumps out of his office and starts to pummel him. This gives you the time you need to escape and as you run back to your apartment, you decide that being the villain isn't really that great, seeing as how you're still really hungry and kind of scratched up from the dragging with rope burns around your wrists. No, you think, I will be the good guy from now on. Suddenly, the you hear a click in your thoughts, and know somehow that the colonel has decided he doesn't like being the good guy either, and will be back to his villainatry very soon. Whatever, you think, whatever.

Whatever indeed.

New reason to blog - Andy fan fic!!

I've finally found a reason to blog: provide the world with my perception of Andy's life in Ketchikan. Here is the first installment of an alternate life of Andy, based very loosely on facts that I received from him this morning in our latest email string. These are stories told to Andrew, as though he were sitting there nodding, confirming my every word.

The KIC Mafia:

I bet that your blank day has turned into an extraordinary day. Right as you finished writing that email, a tip came in from an anonymous caller. He went to confirm it, and along the way were abducted by the KIC mafia. They heard you were hassling the manager so they wanted to break your knuckles to teach you a lesson. Luckily, Bob saw the whole event unfolding, thought quickly, rolled under the black van with the red stripe along the top, attached himself to the undercarriage with his belt, and went for hte rid eof his life. Right as the KIC mafia (led by Mr. T) was about to break all you rknuckles, you see Bob in the background. Knowing that he needed a diversion, you stand up as best you can in the folding chair they have you tied up to with that really rough rope, and begin singing the star spangled banner. As these are very patriotic goons, they immediately put their hands on their hearts and listen. You give a bang up performance while Bob moves into position. At the end, you shout out "BRAVE!!!" like all the swimmers do at Pete's old swim meets, which startles the goons, Bob jumps out and applies round houses to half the gang, while you spin around like a helicopter blade, disabling the other half by ramming their shins. Bob uses his belt to untie you (?) and you run outside. Luckily the keys are in the van. Unluckily the van is out of gas. Luckily, Bob happens to have some old vegetable oil in his pockets. Unluckily, this van hasn't been converted to run on vegetable oil yet. Luckily, you are on the top of the mountain and can push the van to get it moving. Unluckily, both you and Bob are fairly winded from the burst of action in the warehouse, and you climb into the van too soon, and because it is moving so slowly, this gives the goons time to recover. Those that took round houses to the face come running out, pushing those who took helicopter folding chair to the shins in "wheelbarrow" race form, who shout out instructions to the guys pushing them; they can't see because the roundhouses have caused their faces to swell over their eyes. They begin chasing you down, and just as they are about to catch you, you shove a stick you managed to grab off a tree by the side of the road between the wheelbarrow walking guy (there are actually only two goons, Mr T is the wheelbarrow) and cause him to trip and fall, hitting his face on the pavement, disabling his vision. Now that both Mr. T's and Harold from Harold and the purple crayon's vision are ruined, you and Bob jump out of the van to finish off the mobsters. The van continues rolling. But suddenly, Harold whips out his crayon, draws an eye doctor, who rapidly fixes both their vision. It's now a two on two fight: you and Bob vs Mr T and Harold. Mr T cracks his knuckles, and grins widely while Harold just gives that blank stare. You start doing the helicopter move again, but realize the chair isn't attached anymore and stop. Bob just gives that blank stare.

Andrew finishes the story in a later email because Katie wakes up and I have to take care of her:

ended with me and Bob leaving Mr. T and Harold in a daze but before we go Bob gets hit by lightning and we rush to the hospital where he is resuscitated. but not before the vice mayor has unwieldily used his power in the mayor's absence wreaking havoc on K-can. Not being able to move his limbs, Bob asks me to solve the problem and if I need anything I can call Jack Bauer on his private line to help restore justice to the city. I leave Bob in the hospital and encounter Mr. T waiting outside, who I quickly give a roundhouse kick as I dial Bauer's number. "It's jack." Bauer says and he is within moments in Ketchikan helping me fight the evils that are spreading so quickly through Ketchikan. We reach city hall where vice mayor maldefore is signing document after document to increase taxes and expel cruise ships. Jack shoots him in the leg and he stops. Then I kick him in the face and rip up the documents and restore peace to the city.

What will tomorrow bring!? (Probably something to do with the van that is left rolling.)