A reversal of fortunes
After a long day of telephonic communication, you decide that it'd be nice to go for a hike on the Rainbow trail. You set out directly from the office, planning on hypnotizing a bear, and forcing it to catch a baby seal for you to roast and eat. This short walk takes you downtown, and as you walk past several jewelry shops, the following though occurs to you: "I'm really going to enjoy this baby seal." You see, in this episode, you're the villian!! As you realize this, all sorts of villainous thoughts enter your head, which are too evil to be written on paper. Or on a computer.
After solidifying your evil plan to take over the world by waging war on peace and happiness, you realize that you do not yet have an awesome name that will place the public in mortal fear upon utterance. This, of course, requires immediate and total attention, much like your brilliant niece Jane, so you devote even more brain power to the operation. Such a name is hard to come by, it needs to not only match your personality, but it needs to represent your mission and design. After a solid 2 minutes of study, a record for any evil villain, you decide on "Andrew." More frightening than Andy due to it's formality, and easy for you to remember. You smile a villainous smile and continue on your way. You had sat down on a bench to figure out the name, and because you were so absorbed in thought, hadn't seen that the bench had recently been painted. So recent, in fact, that the paint was still wet. "Brilliant" you mutter. You consider the color of the paint and the striped design it left on your clothes, and decide it will do as a design for your costume. While an evil villain, practical issues are still paramount because in your mild mannered life, you are still a newspaper reporter. There will be no spandex either, as that is very gross, and would cause your nipples to chafe anyway. That would stop any villain cold!
A grumble from your stomach interrupts your moment of satisfaction about the name and costume, and you set out again for the seals. In the distance, you hear an explosion and see a black van with a red stripe on the top go flying into the ocean. "That's odd" you think, remembering that you left that van rolling more than two days ago and it should have exploded a long time ago.
Ignoring the thought, you finally reach the trailhead and begin hiking. At the top of the mountain, you readily find a bear, hypnotize it, and sit on a log to wait for your baby seal. "This is the life" you think, relishing every moment. In any minute the bear will be back you can eat the seal, and continue on your way doing villainous things. The bear seems to be taking way too long, which makes you restless. All villains hate waiting, and it makes them restless. You stand on the log to try and see where your bear is. You spot it halfway down the mountain, tied a gagged, struggling to break free to bring you the seal it sees swimming and splashing and generally having a wonderful time, driving the bear mad. This sets off all sorts of evil villain alarms, causing you to jump off the log, and right into the booby trap set by colonel Maldefore. You see, he was telephonically reading your thoughts all the while, and since you decided to be the villain, he decided to reverse roles and be the hero.
As he ties you with heavy ropes and chains, you ask, "Okay Maldefore, how did you patch into my mind telephonically without me knowing it?" "Simple" he replies. "You had been so busy with your other telephonic communications all day that I raced into the last interview on the extra phone in the office, and didn't hang up. I've been listening all the time. Hahahaha!" And since I couldn't let you kill innocent baby seals, and realizing that I had little time to lose, and realizing that the van that had rolled into my bungalow near the KIC was your fault, and realizing that you would wonder what had taken it so long to explode, I set to the arduous task of setting the explosives and detonating it. It took way too long for the limited amount of time I had. AFter seeing you on the mountain, totally not worrying about the van, I deduced that it wasn't yours. What a waste of time that was. Anyway, I rushed up here, wrestled the hypnotized bear, with only the thought of a dead, headless baby seal to spur me on, finally triumphing. I rushed up the hill to set the booby trap, which was pretty easy because as I am normally a villain, I am well versed in booby trap techniques." "Geez" you think, "I didn't really want to know" "I heard that" he shouts. I guess he still hasnt hung up yet.
As the colonel drags you from a rope behind his scooter through town, Bob jumps out of his office and starts to pummel him. This gives you the time you need to escape and as you run back to your apartment, you decide that being the villain isn't really that great, seeing as how you're still really hungry and kind of scratched up from the dragging with rope burns around your wrists. No, you think, I will be the good guy from now on. Suddenly, the you hear a click in your thoughts, and know somehow that the colonel has decided he doesn't like being the good guy either, and will be back to his villainatry very soon. Whatever, you think, whatever.
Whatever indeed.
After solidifying your evil plan to take over the world by waging war on peace and happiness, you realize that you do not yet have an awesome name that will place the public in mortal fear upon utterance. This, of course, requires immediate and total attention, much like your brilliant niece Jane, so you devote even more brain power to the operation. Such a name is hard to come by, it needs to not only match your personality, but it needs to represent your mission and design. After a solid 2 minutes of study, a record for any evil villain, you decide on "Andrew." More frightening than Andy due to it's formality, and easy for you to remember. You smile a villainous smile and continue on your way. You had sat down on a bench to figure out the name, and because you were so absorbed in thought, hadn't seen that the bench had recently been painted. So recent, in fact, that the paint was still wet. "Brilliant" you mutter. You consider the color of the paint and the striped design it left on your clothes, and decide it will do as a design for your costume. While an evil villain, practical issues are still paramount because in your mild mannered life, you are still a newspaper reporter. There will be no spandex either, as that is very gross, and would cause your nipples to chafe anyway. That would stop any villain cold!
A grumble from your stomach interrupts your moment of satisfaction about the name and costume, and you set out again for the seals. In the distance, you hear an explosion and see a black van with a red stripe on the top go flying into the ocean. "That's odd" you think, remembering that you left that van rolling more than two days ago and it should have exploded a long time ago.
Ignoring the thought, you finally reach the trailhead and begin hiking. At the top of the mountain, you readily find a bear, hypnotize it, and sit on a log to wait for your baby seal. "This is the life" you think, relishing every moment. In any minute the bear will be back you can eat the seal, and continue on your way doing villainous things. The bear seems to be taking way too long, which makes you restless. All villains hate waiting, and it makes them restless. You stand on the log to try and see where your bear is. You spot it halfway down the mountain, tied a gagged, struggling to break free to bring you the seal it sees swimming and splashing and generally having a wonderful time, driving the bear mad. This sets off all sorts of evil villain alarms, causing you to jump off the log, and right into the booby trap set by colonel Maldefore. You see, he was telephonically reading your thoughts all the while, and since you decided to be the villain, he decided to reverse roles and be the hero.
As he ties you with heavy ropes and chains, you ask, "Okay Maldefore, how did you patch into my mind telephonically without me knowing it?" "Simple" he replies. "You had been so busy with your other telephonic communications all day that I raced into the last interview on the extra phone in the office, and didn't hang up. I've been listening all the time. Hahahaha!" And since I couldn't let you kill innocent baby seals, and realizing that I had little time to lose, and realizing that the van that had rolled into my bungalow near the KIC was your fault, and realizing that you would wonder what had taken it so long to explode, I set to the arduous task of setting the explosives and detonating it. It took way too long for the limited amount of time I had. AFter seeing you on the mountain, totally not worrying about the van, I deduced that it wasn't yours. What a waste of time that was. Anyway, I rushed up here, wrestled the hypnotized bear, with only the thought of a dead, headless baby seal to spur me on, finally triumphing. I rushed up the hill to set the booby trap, which was pretty easy because as I am normally a villain, I am well versed in booby trap techniques." "Geez" you think, "I didn't really want to know" "I heard that" he shouts. I guess he still hasnt hung up yet.
As the colonel drags you from a rope behind his scooter through town, Bob jumps out of his office and starts to pummel him. This gives you the time you need to escape and as you run back to your apartment, you decide that being the villain isn't really that great, seeing as how you're still really hungry and kind of scratched up from the dragging with rope burns around your wrists. No, you think, I will be the good guy from now on. Suddenly, the you hear a click in your thoughts, and know somehow that the colonel has decided he doesn't like being the good guy either, and will be back to his villainatry very soon. Whatever, you think, whatever.
Whatever indeed.
posted by BFR at 4:54 PM
3 Comments:
Even as a bad guy I think I am pretty nice still.
That Maldefore and his telephonic ways!
Hahahahah! That was great- I wonder if any Disney villans will ever sneek in?
This blog is so cool. I love whoever thought up this awesome stuff!
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